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Birthdays and Age Quotes and Quotations
 I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.  You know you're getting older when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along. Enjoy how sweet, how thoughtful, how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap. As one cat said to another: Birthdays are like fur balls - the more you have, the more you gag. You can live to be a hundred, if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred. She claims she just turned thirty, but it must have been a U-turn! She's not pushing forty, she's dragging it. My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age. Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty. Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier. For weeks I've been telling him not to buy anything for my birthday, and he still forgot to bring me something. The age of some women is like the speedometer on a used car - you know it's set back, but you don't know how far. What can you say when your husband says: 'You can't expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older." The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. Pushing fifty is exercise enough. After thirty, a body has a mind of its own. Of all the things I miss, the thing I miss the most is my mind. My health is good; it's my age that's bad. I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get. At eighty-eight how do you feel when getting up in the morning? . . . Amazed! Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place. He's so old his social security number is two digits. Sometimes I feel that I'm not just aging . . . I'm decomposing. My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a banknote, for two twenties. Middle age is when your old classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you. It's a sobering thought: When Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. When I think of my dad as a little boy, I tend to think of him in black and white. The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it. I don't generally feel anything until noon, then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always asked to do things, and you are not yet decrepit enough to turn them down. It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years. I'm sixty-five, but if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be forty-eight. Try to accept each other for what you are, and don't point out the fact that the hair he's losing on his head is now growing out of his nose - and his ears. Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. Middle age is when anything new in the way you feel is most likely a symptom. There's one advantage to being 102. There's no peer pressure. Middle age is when you have met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else and usually is. The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Actually, being sixty-five isn't so bad. As a matter of fact I rather like being called a sexagenarian. At this time of life it sounds like flattery. Middle age is when your narrow waist and broad mind begin to change places. The secret to longevity is to keep breathing. I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her. People who have the most birthdays live the longest. Middle age occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net. I have everything I had twenty years ago, only it's all a little bit lower. I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around. To what do you attribute your advanced age? Well, I suppose I must attribute it to the fact that I have not died. Age is mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. She's too young for Medicare and too old for me to care. When she told me her age I believed her - why not? she hasn't changed her story for five years. There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two. She was born in the year of our Lord only knows. The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost. They are added to other women's. Old age is like everything else, to make a success of it you got to start young. I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down. I was just thinking, when I was a young girl, I never knew what every young girl was supposed to know. And now I am going to be an old lady, I don't know what every old lady is supposed to know. He is at an age that whenever a pretty girl smiles at him he immediately looks down to see what is unzipped. Life begins at fifty, but so does bad eyesight, arthritis, and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same listeners. Women, don't get a tattoo. That butterfly looks great on your breast when you're twenty or thirty, but when you get to be seventy, it stretches into a condor. When Julia Child was asked to what she credited her longevity, she replied, "Red meat and gin." Once my wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument. When we're young we want to change the world. When we're old we want to change the young. The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate. There are three ages of man: youth, middle age, and "Gee, you look good." Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do. The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles. I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do. Remember when we used to laugh at old people when we were young? Do you recall what was so funny? If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law. You know you are getting older when "happy hour" is a nap. I wouldn't say someone is old just because his social security is in Roman numerals or because Mozart played at his senior prom. Gray hair is God's graffiti. If you think a lot of the comments made tonight are not funny, but are immature and tasteless, that's only because the sense of humor is the first thing to go. I was going to take you out to lunch for your birthday . . . but you already are. We've reached an age that when construction workers stare at us it's because they figure we might be considering a remodeling job. You're only young once, but you can always be immature. 
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