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Love and Marriage Quotes and Quotations
 Definition of a bridegroom: A man who is amazed at the outcome of what he thought was a harmless little flirtation.  After fifteen years of marriage, my wife wants us to recommit our vows. As a man, I don't understand her need to get married again. We've got our toaster, let's move on. We have found that the best way for our marriage to work is to let me make the big decisions and my wife the small ones. With this system, I'm noticing, there are usually no big ones. Before criticizing your wife's faults, remember that they may have prevented her from getting a better husband. When you see a married couple coming down the street, the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one who's mad. It's not that I'm too particular. It's just that I'm going to wait for Dr. Right. When I married Mr. Right, I didn't know his first name was Always. Love is like the measles. The older you get it, the worse the attack. I wanted to marry her when I saw the moonlight shining on the barrel of her father's shotgun. If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? I don't know which was worse, the cost of the bridesmaid dress or having to wear it. I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him? A bachelor is a man who has to know how to remove a coffee stain, from a catsup stain, from a silk tie. I don't like being best man at a wedding 'cause there's no way to prove it. A bachelor is a man who can take a nap on top of a bedspread. Definition of a bachelor: A man who likes to invite girls over for a Scotch and sofa. Father giving advice to son: Never do anything once around the house that you don't want to do for the rest of your life. No woman ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes. The groom is so much better for her than her last boyfriend. He's sophisticated, he brings her flowers and candy, he dines by candlelight. Her last boyfriend thought it was enough to spray her name on a fence. I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her way. And second, let her have it. The last word in an argument is what a wife has. Anything a husband says after that is the beginning of another argument. My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she writes in her diary. He loved her for what she was - rich. He worshiped the ground her family struck oil on. No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, by making a dog play dead. Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached. My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old. Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West We're having a little disagreement. What I want is a big church wedding with bridesmaids and flowers and a no-expense-spared reception, and what he wants is to break off our engagement. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times? A widow. My wife and I just celebrated our twelfth anniversary. I'm Catholic, so there's no real possibility of divorce. I'm Irish - so there is the possibility of murder. My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world, and that's not just my opinion - it's hers. 'Tis more blessed to give than to receive; for example, wedding presents. Arguing with my wife is like this: "I came! I saw! I concurred!" Our marriage is based on compromise-he admits he's wrong and I forgive him. My wife and I have many arguments, but she only wins half of them. My mother-in-law wins the other half. I can always tell what kind of a time I'm having at a party by the look on my wife's face. We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are. I'd like to go to assertiveness training class. First I need to check with my wife. A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it. Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night. When I met Jean, I felt God reach down out of the sky, pull my hair, and say, "This one, dummy." They were married for better or worse. He couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse. she: Before we got married, you told me you were well-off. he: I was, and I didn't know it. When my wife was asked, "Do you take this man for richer or poorer . . ." she answered, "For richer." It is assumed that the woman must wait motionless until she is wooed. That is how the spider waits for the fly. The man who boasts he never made a mistake is often married to the woman who did. Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid. True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. You can easily tell he's a newlywed, because he's still smiling at his mother-in-law. "So you want to become my son-in-law." "Not exactly. I just want to marry your daughter." You need that guy like a giraffe needs a strep throat. When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason - there's a reason. I do not spoil women. ... I don't send them flowers and gifts. . . . I'm saving those gestures until I am an unpleasant old man who must resort to bribery to win a woman's synthetic affections. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it. A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. The great secret of a successful marriage is to treat all disasters as incidents and none of the incidents as disasters. This is a perfect pair - he's a hypochondriac and she's a pill. I haven't spoken to my wife in years-I didn't want to interrupt her. Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A. Advice to son: Never confuse "I love you" with "I want to marry you." Living with a saint is more grueling than being one. God help the man who won't marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her. My husband yells comments like "How long till you're ready? Throw out a date." I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left. Keeping a secret from my wife is like trying to smuggle daylight past a rooster. Annoyed wife to husband: Can't you just say we've been married twenty-four years instead of "almost a quarter of a century"? After paying for the wedding, about all a father has left to give away is the bride. She represents the country Alamonia. A wedding invitation is sent by people who have been saying, "Do we have to ask them?" to people whose first response is, "How much do you think we have to spend on them?" You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prison they let you play Softball on the weekends. My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. Let me give you an idea how long ago they got married. You know where they met? . . . At a Cubs World Series game. - Jay Leno You might try doing what my folks did. Twice a week they would go out for a special meal. . . with wine, good food, and soft lighting. Dad took Tuesday and Mom took Thursday. He had a great sound system - but he didn't know much about fidelity. Getting married is a good deal like going to a restaurant with your friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other fellow got, you wish you had taken that. Prenuptial agreement: Paper a lawyer prepares to protect the party of the first part from the party of the second part should they discover the party's over. After our honeymoon I felt like a new man. She said she did too. I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. We've never been happier. Things are great. . . I just don't go into her part of the house. My wife divorced me because of illness. She got sick of me. A friend of mine hated her husband so much that when he died she had him cremated, blended him with marijuana, and smoked him. She said, "That's the best he's made me feel in years." We split up over religious differences - she worshiped money . . . and I didn't have any. I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first divorced me and the second won't. For their last anniversary, she gave him a set of luggage - packed. God, this request isn't for me, it's for my mom. . . . Could you send her a son-in-law? Somehow there was a lack of communication - She thought he said: "Till debt do us part." A faithful husband is one whose alimony check is always on time. The clearest explanation for the failure of any marriage is that two people are incompatible; that is, one is male and the other female. A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I'm about a hundred thousand dollars short. My sister started to smell trouble when on the second day of her honeymoon the groom started asking for separate checks. I remember when I got married. I remember where I got married. But for the life of me, I can't remember why I got married. I've married a few people I shouldn't have, but haven't we all? Not all of his relationships were meant to end . . . Once he sent a postcard and inadvertently wrote "Wish you were her." My second ex-wife was really kind of like a ship passing in the night. Only she turned out to be the Exxon Valdez. Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. Going shopping with your husband is like his going fishing with the game warden. My wife and I had words - but I never got to use mine. 
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