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Health Quotes and Quotations

The good Lord never gives you more than you can handle. Unless you die of something.
You can't lose weight without exercise. But I've got a philosophy about exercise. I don't think you should punish your legs for something your mouth did. Drag your lips around the block once or twice.
To improve your memory, lend people money.
Health food makes me sick.
She is such a health food nut, she thinks a grape is wine in pill form.
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.
God heals and the doctor takes the fee.
Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
Lord, if you can't make me thin - can you make all my friends fat?
If I am ever stuck on a respirator or a life support system, I definitely want to be unplugged but not until I get down to size eight.
My husband lost a lot of weight on a new diet, and I resent it. It's simple, he just doesn't eat when I'm talking.
I've been on every diet in the world. The best one is the BBC diet: Buy Bigger Clothes.
You don't get ulcers from what you eat. You get them from what's eating you.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
I won't say I'm out of condition now - but I even puff going downstairs.
I get my exercise being a pallbearer for those of my friends who believed in regular running and calisthenics.
Your medical tests are in. You're short, fat, and bald.
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
My husband wasn't listening when the doctor asked for "a urine, stool, and semen sample" . . . so I just told him they wanted his shorts.
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
They say the Japanese don't experience menopause or hot flashes. If that's the case, why are they the number-one fan-producing country in the world?
doctor to stout patient: You've been swallowing your food again.
Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
I don't give my weight. I weigh a hundred and plenty.
His idea of exercise is walking to his vitamins.
Thank heaven, I have given up smoking again! . . . God! I feel fit. A different man. Irritable, moody, depressed, rude, perhaps . . . but the lungs are fine.
There must be something to acupuncture - after all, you never see any sick porcupines.
Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus.
I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
I'm not that much into working out. My philosophy - no pain, no pain.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more.
Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.
He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything.
Refuse to be ill. Never tell people you are ill; never own it to yourself. Illess is one of those things which a man should resist on principle at the onset.
Health is not a condition of matter, but of Mind.
The first wealth is health.
Health lies in labor, and there is no royal road to it but through toil.
The fate of a nation has often depended on the good or bad digestion of a prime minister.

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