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Openers and Introductions Quotes and Quotations
 I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm, talent, and wit. Unfortunately, he couldn't be here tonight, so instead . . .  I do not stand on protocol. If you just call me Excellency, it will be okay. The number-one fear in life is public speaking, and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy. At the end of a long introduction: You omitted perhaps one thing - that in 1974 I had a hemorrhoidectomy. My father gave me these hints on speech making: Be sincere ... be brief ... be seated. A good speech, like a woman's skirt, should be long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest. I have been asked to give my address in the remaining five minutes. That I can do! Here it is: 10 Carlton Gardens, London, England. I sort of feel like Cindy Crawford's new husband on their wedding night. I know what's expected of me. I'm just not sure I've got the ability to make it interesting. If any of you are related to our main guest, let me know so I can speak slowly. As my mother used to say: "Mimic a duck act calm and unruffled on the surface, but paddle like crazy underneath." Some people might say that I think too highly of you just because I worship the water you walk on. As Spinoza, or someone very much like him, once said . . . An evening like this would be empty without some reference to [politics], so let's just think of this as empty. Speeches are like steer horns - a point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between. My job is to talk to you, and your job is to listen. If you finish first, please let me know. I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them. I don't want to be patronizing . . . that means "talking down." speaker: I have only ten minutes and hardly know where to begin. voice in back: Begin at the ninth. After such an introduction, I can hardly wait to hear what I'm going to say. I was chosen to speak due to my warm personality. . . . Look up warm and it means "not so hot." A speech that's full of sparkling wit will keep its hearer grinning, provided its end is close to its beginning. It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. I'd like to tell you some jokes now, but you'd only laugh. The recipe for a good speech includes some shortening. I was told to be accurate, be brief, and then be seated. ... So I promise I shall be brief as possible - no matter how long it takes me. Thank you for the privilege of speaking to you in this magnificent auditorium. You know the meaning of the word auditorium, don't you? It is derived from two Latin words, audio, "to hear," and taurus, "the bull." I was chosen to speak today based on my senility. A toastmaster is a man who eats a meal he doesn't want so he can get up and tell a lot of stories he doesn't remember to people who've already heard them. I'm an idealist: I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way. We noticed a crasher at the bar - that shows what a real man he is - he's here to show he's not ticked for not being asked. Response to clapping: "Thank you for ovating." I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. A bore is a man who spends so much time talking about himself that you can't talk about yourself. Buffet: A French word that means "get up and get it yourself." Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food. Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. On how to become a good speaker: Practice all the time. One of the best ways is to put a bunch of marbles in your mouth while you talk. Slowly but surely you take away a marble. And then, when you've lost all your marbles, you're a public speaker. Once you get people laughing, they're listening and you can tell them almost anything. Goldie Hawn is funny, sexy, beautiful, talented, intelligent, warm, and consistently sunny. Other than that, she doesn't impress me at all. When I told her we were going to roast her, she said, "Of course, . . . they only crucify the innocent." A lot of you want me to hurry through the introduction. That's because you're so much older you don't want to waste a minute of your life. Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does. We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic, . . . Dr. Ted Clinic. The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist Jack. Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? All the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry. As one skeleton said to the other - if I had any guts I'd get the heck out of here. Thanks for the nice introduction. Next to my resume, that's the closest I'll ever come to perfection. We were worried that our main speaker wouldn't be able to make it tonight. But, fortunately, due to a hole in the prosecution's case . . . I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, Why should I? He never reads any of mine. I hope you will excuse my being late. The person in this organization who gave me directions here has obviously heard me speak before. When I was preparing for this speech I asked my family for advice. One member replied, "There's a first time for everything, so try to be funny and brief." Most experts suggest that one should open with a joke. Obviously, they've never heard me tell a joke. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm pleased to be with you. (Pause) That concludes my prepared remarks. I'm moving down here . . . because some of you in the back might not be able to hear my talk . . . and that wouldn't be fair to those who can hear it. It has been discovered experimentally that you can draw laughter from an audience anywhere in the world, of any class or race, simply by walking on a stage and uttering the words "I am a married man." This gathering is what I call "intimate," which really means "Where is everybody?" 
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