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No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
I have admired W.C. Fields since the day he advanced upon Baby LeRoy with an ice pick. Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
One bliss for which there is no match is when you itch to up and scratch.
Only mediocrity can be trusted to be always at its best.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Sometimes a cigar is only a cigar.
The blind man is laughing at the bald head.
The net of the sleeper catches fish.
There ain't no answer. There ain't gonna be any answer. There never has been an answer. That's the answer.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Worthless as wither'd weeds.
You must lose a fly to catch a trout.
Rip van Winkle was lazy.
A diplomat these days is nothing but a head waiter who is allowed to sit down occasionally.
A man surprised is half beaten.
A nimble sixpence is better than a slow shilling.
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
Every path has its puddle.
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
Evil spelled backward is live.
Forgetting of a wrong is a mild revenge.
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
Heat, madam! It was so dreadful that I found there was nothing for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.
I am an atheist. I don't believe in Zeus.
I don't deserve this, but I have arthritis, and I don't deserve that either.
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
I never said "I want to be alone." I only said,"I want to be left alone." There is all the difference.
In baiting a mousetrap with cheese, always leave room for the mouse.
In the ant's house, the dew is a flood.
India is a geographical term. It is no more a United Nation than the Equator.
Judas needed the money for a sick friend.
Judge Crater - please call your office.
It is a sobering thought, that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.
He wouldn't give a duck a drink if he owned Lake Michigan.
Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put his pants on.
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband.
Kiss principle: Keep it simple, stupid.
Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it.
His shortcoming is his long staying.
He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Sherard Blaw, the dramatist who had discovered himself, and who had given so unstintingly of his discovery to the world.
The Right Honourable gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts.
Her face was her chaperone.
Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.
When people don't want to come, nothing will stop them.
Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.
More and more these days I find myself pondering on how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Epigram: a wisecrack that has played Carnegie Hall.
Include me out.
A hole is nothing at all, but you can break your neck in it.
Mother: It's broccoli, dear. Child: I say it's spinach, and I say the hell with it.
Flint must be an extremely wealthy town; I see that each of you bought two or three seats.
In uplifting, get underneath.
If there were any justice in the world, people would be able to fly over pigeons for a change.
When the mouse laughs at the cat there's a hole nearby.
Fatigue is the best pillow.
The ugliest of trades have their moments of pleasure. Now, if I was a grave digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.
What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?
God made me on a morning when he had nothing else to do.
When Babe Ruth was asked in 1930 how he felt about making more money that the President of the United States, he replied 'I had a better year than he (Herbert Hoover) did.' When Tom Snyder was asked in 1977 how he felt about making more money per year than President Carter, he replied, 'I have to go out and buy my own 707.'
Nothing succeeds like one's own successor.
Whom the gods wish to destroy, they first call promising.
In California everyone goes to a therapist, is a therapist, or is a therapist going to a therapist.
We also serve who only punctuate.
Every director bites the hand that lays the golden egg.
If Roosevelt were alive he'd turn in his grave.
There's a wonderful family called Stein, There's Gert, and there's Epp and there's Ein: Gert's poems are bunk, Epp's statues are junk, And no one can understand Ein.
Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.
A thick skin is a gift from God.
While you're saving your face you're losing your ass. Never trust a man whose eyes are too close to his nose. I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket. Better inside the tent pissing out than outside the tent pissing in.
Parsely is gharsley.
Oats, n.s. A grain which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people.
Coffee in England is just toasted milk.
Epitaph to a waiter: By and by God caught his eye.
A dimple in the chin; a devil within.
Some people approach every problem with an open mouth.
The butler entered the room, a solemn procession of one.
And what's a butterfly? At best, He's but a caterpillar, drest.
If I look like this, I need the trip.
As old as the itch.
Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise.
Tis better than riches To scratch when it itches.
When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it is best to let him run.
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
All would live long, but none would be old.
Bland as a Jesuit, sober as a hymn.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
'Are you lost daddy?' I asked tenderly. 'Shut up,' he explained.
Geography is about maps, But biography is about chaps.
In the world of mules there are no rules.
There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
Since the house is on fire let us warm ourselves.
I used to be snow-white . . . but I drifted.
Equal opportunity is good, but special privilege even better.
It's better to be quotable than to be honest.
A man of words and not of deeds, Is like a garden full of weeds.
I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before he starts to practise law.
Shake a bridle over a Yorkshireman's grave, and he'll rise and steal a horse.
An indecent mind is a perpetual feast.
If you can't bite, don't show your teeth.
Only the shallow know themselves.
Don't quote me; that's what you heard, not what I said.
Thin people are beautiful but fat people are adorable.
I had always assumed that cliche was a suburb of Paris, until I discovered it to be a street in Oxford.
He'd give the devil ulcers.
When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.

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