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Cities and Travel Quotes and Quotations
 A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.  When we can't get away for a vacation, we get the same feeling by staying home and tipping every person that smiles. One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone. The trouble with all these other countries is they're all being run by foreigners. My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park. - Jay Leno This summer one-third of the nation will be ill-housed, ill-nourished, and ill-clad. Only they call it a vacation. My wife tells me she doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I'm not enjoying it. On cable TV, they have a weather channel - twenty-four hours of weather. We had something like that where I grew up. We called it a window. There's a lot of nice things about Denver. I just don't, for the life of me, know what they are. The people of Seattle deny they get much rain, while the rest of the country thinks of it as America's bladder. Cold! If the thermometer had been an inch longer we'd all have frozen to death. The tanned appearance of many New Englanders is not sunburn - it is rust. I hate Billings, Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck - no models. You open a catalog and point. Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars. L.A.'s large convenience stores are so big they can accommodate up to twenty armed robbers at one time. - Jay Leno After years of mocking L.A. for its smog, the people of Denver are now coughing out of the other side of their mouths. There's nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. It is possible to live in San Francisco for $35,000 a year. Obviously, that doesn't include food or lodging. L.A. bumper sticker: Keep honking - I'm reloading. Miami bumper sticker: My horn is broken-so watch for my finger. Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash. I lived in Miami for a while, in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my apartment house was dead. I have no respect for gangs today. None. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other. A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners. I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect, but I still love him. New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all! Living in New York is like being at some terrible late-night party. You're tired, you've had a headache since you arrived, but you can't leave because then you'd miss the party. Living in California adds ten years to a man's life. And those extra ten years I'd like to spend in New York. I have just returned from Boston; it is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there. A small town is usually divided by a railroad, a main street, two churches, and a lot of opinions. texan starting eternity: I never dreamed heaven would be so much like Texas. companion: Who said this was heaven? Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school. I would say that the single most important conclusion I reached, after traveling through Japan, as well as countless hours reading, studying, and analyzing this fascinating culture, is that you should always tighten the cap on the shampoo bottle before you put it in your suitcase. I asked Tom if countries always apologized when they had done wrong, and he said: "Yes: the little one does." France is the only country where the money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper. How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheese? In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language. Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris. My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada. London: A place you go to get bronchitis. Take a perfect day, add six hours of rain and fog, and you have instant London. Always remember that you are an Englishman and therefore have drawn first prize in the lottery of life. I once saw a pin on a Delta Airlines employee, and I asked him what the letters in Delta stand for. He said, "Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive." When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet. When I first came to this country, I didn't have a nickel in my pocket - now I have a nickel in my pocket. Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late, and, thanks to television, you can shop in bed. I love the polite drivers in La Jolla. At an intersection . . . most expensive car goes first. We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back. - Bob Hope There is nothing safer than flying - it's crashing that is dangerous. I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. Chicago was started by a bunch of New Yorkers who said "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough." 
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